Consequences of Evil
By Laraine Bonin
Tagline: Lost time and regrets
Genre: Mystery & Love
Note: Effigy Press Staff Writer added the paragraph breaks, not the author
THE FIRST 600 WORDS SUBMITTED TO EFFIGY PRESS, AND OUR REVIEW(S)
Jimmy Sullivan looked out the window of the 701 Restaurant and watched the people go by. Jimmy always sat at the corner table near the back which concealed his presence but allowed an unobstructed view of the street. 701 sits on Pennsylvania Avenue right next to the Navy Memorial which makes it perfect for people watching.
This was Jimmy’s favorite place to retreat and think.
Too many things were happening and all of them too fast. He had just secured the last two votes to get his bill through the Senate and to the President. This would cost him. In order to obtain these last votes, he had promised his support on the controversial environmental bill next term which he was less than enthusiastic about. His constituents wouldn’t like it either, but he had no choice.
Another dizzy spell hit him for a moment and some of the drink in his hand splashed onto the table. They were coming more often as were the headaches.
As Jimmy continued to look out the window his thoughts traveled back over his life in politics, college, and then to Laraine.
Laraine, her image and memories had been moving across his mind more often than usual lately.
He didn’t know what had happened to them, but he remembered he loved her. They had met at the cafeteria. Laraine walked by juggling several books and a lunch tray. The first thing Jimmy noticed about her were her legs. His father had always appreciated a “great set of gams” and Jimmy was just like him. Her legs were long and lean. Her skirt stopped at mid-thigh. His look started there, and he appreciated the long journey down ending at the ankle chain that accentuated her shapely calf. Only after her books hit the floor did his eyes venture upward. She was not a beauty but attractive in a haphazard sort of way. Her light brown hair reached her waist and had a natural curl. Its fullness wandered around her as she moved. He smiled as he remembered that one strand of hair that always fell in her face. Her eyes were hazel, and her skin never tanned no matter how many times she baked in the sun. Although she tried to be a lady, her coordination did not always support her efforts. Yes, she was a bit of a klutz. Jimmy remembered her as a woman who made him happy. He also remembered her sixth sense. Laraine knew when things were going to happen. She couldn’t always tell you what or when, but she could tell you good or bad. And don’t try to lie to her; she would stop you cold. She had been there for him when his father died; she accepted his anger and held him when he grieved. She got him through calculus and came to every game he played. He knew she wasn’t a football fan, but she was in the stands at every game cheering the loudest. He should have married her. “Why didn’t I?” he mumbled.
The waiter brought him another whiskey.
After his first sip, he saw his aide, Michael Frazier, scurrying towards him. “What now?” Jimmy sighed. “Arthur Pearson called three times since you left. He wants you to meet him at his house tonight at eight, and he won’t take no for an answer.” Jimmy took another sip. “Tell him I’ll be there.”
Michael looked relieved. Poor Michael, he didn’t have a clue of what was going on. Jimmy hired him as a favor for a friend, and he was finding it difficult to do business with Michael’s young, fresh face always in evidence. // His eyes drifted again to the window as Michael hurried back to the office. It was almost 4:30 pm and people were on their way home. There was the usual allotment of attorneys in their clone uniform of dark suit, white shirt, and somber tie, the government workers, and the tourists. His sight wavered and then went black but returned quickly. He signaled the waiter for his bill and again glanced outside.
There in the window was an attractive bottom. A woman and her companion were bending over trying to retrieve a dropped newspaper before the early fall wind sent it flying. As the woman stood up, she tucked a strand of gray streaked hair back in place. After retrieving most of the paper, the couple moved towards the subway. Before stepping on the escalator, the woman hesitated, stopped, and then scanned the entire area peering into 701. Jimmy didn’t move, and his eyes never left her face. The woman was still staring at 701 as the escalator descended to the subway.
Jimmy laid a $100 dollar bill on the table and waited for his heart to return to its normal rhythm.
REVIEWS
Tim
If I were casually looking through this in a bookstore, or on Amazon, I would’ve stopped reading at “They had met at the cafeteria.” Why? Because it’s clear that we’re in for a half-drunk-and-dizzy man’s long-winded tale of lost love, or whatever. Nothing wrong with that, but it’s just too much too soon.
Up to that point, you got me to care about Jimmy, and also get a little sense of him as a cautious, sly, powerful, compromised presence. I like this character. And you’d created stakes: “His constituents wouldn’t like it either, but he had no choice.” I like that this is a character that has some dirt under his ethical finger nails (“his support on the controversial environmental bill which he was less than enthusiastic about.”)
Before I go to the part beyond the cafeteria, let me be so bold as to edit to a flow I prefer, a little more direct and engaging – and fewer words. I took the first 215 words and did this with 185 words (which added a little clarity on the word “them” in the sentence “He didn’t know what had happened to them, but he remembered he loved her” where the “them” has no clearly defined antecedent). Here we go, what do you think?
From a concealed corner of the 701 Restaurant Jimmy Sullivan watched the people hustling by on Pennsylvania Avenue. Jimmy always sat at that table near the back which concealed his presence but allowed an unobstructed view of the street. Perfect for people watching.
His favorite place to retreat and think.
Too much happening, and much too fast. He’d secured the last two votes he needed to get his bill through the Senate. That would cost him. To get those last votes he’d promised to support that controversial environmental bill. He felt a little dirt had rubbed off on him on that one. His constituents wouldn’t like it either. But he’d had no choice.
Another dizzy spell hit him for a moment. These were coming more often; as were the headaches. His drink splashed onto the table.
It started raining outside. Jimmy’s thoughts traveled back to his life in politics, college, and then to Laraine.
Laraine.
Her image, the memories, they’d been on his mind more often than usual lately. He didn’t know what had happened to them, that relationship. But he remembered he loved her.
I could read this all day, but that’s just me.
Right, so I took some liberties, but concision adds energy because readers (imho) want to get information about character and plot in most efficient manner (it’s not just about concision, but your chosen flow).
So, take “As Jimmy continued to look out the window his thoughts traveled back over his life in politics, college, and then to Laraine” (and especially think about the “continued to look out the window” which is a lot of words) and my uninvited re-write was “It started raining outside. Jimmy’s thoughts traveled back to his life in politics, college, and then to Laraine.” 22 words becomes 18. And we still know he’s looking out of the window because we know he sees it raining.
Okay, so four words as a saving. Big deal, I hear you say! But that’s a little under 20%, and I think your writing style invites about 20% more words than there should be.
Now to what we have beyond the word “cafeteria.”
For me it’s more about having too much of this, like a python swallowing a pig. I want to be intrigued by Laraine but I feel like I’m getting way too much to feel intrigued. If you’ll forgive me, it even sounded like a horny guy had written it – but I know romance novels have their own style and motivations. Maybe break up his reveries on Laraine more, though you do that somewhat with the arrival of the waiter. I’d love to see you make more of those moments – enjoy the waiter interrupting Jimmy; same with the aide, interrupt Jimmy’s reverie and give us a little breathing room from Laraine.
Watch out for clunkers such as: “Although she tried to be a lady, her coordination did not always support her efforts” which is tortuous and…
…“There in the window was an attractive bottom.” This is really a clunker of epic proportions. Honestly, I totally get the intent, but it made me laugh and wonder how other writers would tackle this challenge. Mine? “From the street, an attractive feminine bottom presented itself to Jimmy’s fast-widening eyes.” Just Kidding!!!
How about, “He noticed a woman in a short black skirt bending over in the street, picking up something she’d dropped. He couldn’t see her face, but he liked what he saw.” I dunno, perhaps that’s the Victorian prude in me LOL.
Feel free to resubmit, I’d love to see where you decide to go with this! And I do hope this helped a little!
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