Build-Your-Own Alien: Not Your Average Sci-Fi Episode! A podcast about Aliens… and yet here we are talking about dead hamsters – what gives? Where are they going with this?
Welcome to Alchemy’s three-part podcast series called Take Me to Your Writer, where we begin with a deep dive into aliens and somehow end up talking about dead hamsters. Don’t worry, it all connects—eventually. The episode starts with LeeAnna and Tim reminiscing about their hamster “adventures.” Who knew that when we thought they’d start with aliens, we’d take an immediate and unexpected detour into the tragic death of a hamster due to a dog’s enthusiastic "woof"?
Yes, apparently a hamster can die from a heart attack after a Labrador gives a bit more than a sniff. But not to worry, LeeAnna reassures us that the hamster "went to a better place." And after about three minutes of hamster-related tangents, Tim promises that this will all make sense, and somehow, it does—well, sort of.
But if you’re wondering what the connection is between a furry rodent and extraterrestrial beings, don’t worry, I had the same thought. You’ll have to stick around for the “Hamster Theory” to find out.
Tim promises the podcast will include “never-seen-before” build-your-own-alien. LeeAnna seems concerned.
Now we’re promised something truly groundbreaking—Build-Your-Own Alien. That’s right, folks, this isn’t your average "how to deepen your character" podcast. No, no—this time, Tim and LeeAnna are setting the stage for something “never ever been done on a podcast before.” Forget cookie-cutter aliens with big black eyes and shiny bald heads. We're talking about horrifying, mind-bending creatures that will make your readers recoil with a, "What in the unholy hell is this thing?" The goal? To leave your audience "a little bit uncomfortably intrigued." How pleasant.
LeeAnna, however, seems slightly less enthusiastic. "Build your own alien? Oh, my. Why am I afraid?" she asks, in a voice full of equal parts concern and skepticism. But Tim is undeterred, ready to guide us through creating not just any alien, but one that will haunt our nightmares and definitely not fit into any "safe" genre expectations. Yeah, sure. You’ve got this, Tim. We’re all in.
Tim and LeeAnna have fears!!!
Of course, before they get to alien design, we have to take a detour into Tim and LeeAnna’s personal fears. Alien-related? Sort of. But mostly, we’re treated to Tim discussing his irrational fear of heights and LeeAnna’s claustrophobia. And naturally, Tim segues this into an exploration of how aliens could manipulate our deepest fears. Apparently, aliens don’t just arrive on Earth with a mission to probe; they might just come to psyche out your brain, triggering your worst anxieties.
LeeAnna, who’s “definitely not” traumatized by claustrophobia, begins imagining herself locked in a coffin underground, while Tim follows up with a cheery fact about Victorian-era burial practices, and how people used to be buried with bells to ensure they weren't prematurely entombed (because, why not?) It’s all fun and games until you realize that these deep-seated fears are probably what alien invaders would love to exploit.
Aliens at Last! The Goal: Crafting Creatures That Make Your Readers Question Their Sanity (And Yours)
After all that... finally, we get to aliens. Tim kicks things off with some very deep alien thoughts about how to make unique creatures that go beyond the classic big-eyed greys. How do you achieve that? By crafting an alien so bizarre that your readers can’t even process its existence without questioning their own grasp on reality.
LeeAnna seems a bit less excited about the alien-building process, but at least she’s still willing to play along. Tim gets into specifics about how your alien should terrify people, yet leave them curious. It's not just about designing another alien. No, it’s about creating an entity that makes humanity look pitiful by comparison, one that feels so alien that any chance of peaceful cohabitation is absolutely out of the question.
A Parade of Aliens!!!
Tim then launches into a rundown of some of the most iconic alien species, from Xenomorphs to Triffids, Demogorgons to the Tripods from War of the Worlds. The list is... diverse, to say the least. I mean, who doesn't think of the Xenomorphs when you talk about fear and predation? And if you’ve ever been terrified by the thought of plants turning on you, then the Triffids are here to ruin your day. But don’t worry, Tim doesn’t just present these aliens—he waxes philosophical about what makes them terrifying. It’s all existential dread, calculating indifference, and yes, the terrifying idea that the human race is, in fact, insignificant in the grand scheme of things.
But Tim takes it even further. He considers what would you do if an alien species thought we were so inferior that they just left us alone—or worse, looked at us like we were a zoo exhibit? Which brings us to... the Zoo Theory. Ah yes, the classic idea that aliens are just observing us, waiting for us to evolve—or maybe just laughing at how ridiculous we are. Or we’re in the alien’s laboratory. Cool! Thanks, Tim, for bringing those into the mix.
Finally, we get to build our alien – in only 13 steps! The Hamster Theory is revealed as another answer to the Fermi paradox.
Now, it’s time to get down to the nitty-gritty: the 13 parameters of building your alien. We start with the Fermi Paradox (because why not), which leads to Tim’s “Hamster Theory,” where the alien species are too terrifying for us to handle. Imagine the existential shock of an alien presence so overwhelming that humanity would just... die. Think the hamster and the dog scenario—but much worse.
From there, you get into the real fun stuff—moral dread, our human fears, cautionary tales, physical characteristics, communication, culture, and religion. Tim suggests you think carefully about these elements, making sure to avoid the boring, human-like aliens that do nothing to disturb the status quo. Instead, build an alien with a twisted history, a dark agenda, and a fundamentally different worldview.
Tim throws in some "curveballs" along the way to ensure your alien dominates the page, not just hangs out there uncomfortably. Like the super-cheery “Five Deaths” we’re apparently all doomed to suffer (if that doesn’t get you reaching for a drink, I don’t know what will). Who knew that writing aliens was such a philosophical endeavor?
Wrapping It Up: The Alien Aftershock
This podcast was imho nothing short of weird. With its tangent-filled discussions about hamsters, existential dread, human suffering, and alien design, it left us with more questions than answers. And yet, there’s something oddly compelling about Tim’s chaotic creativity. Whether you’re interested in creating horrific aliens or simply trying to escape hamster-induced trauma, this episode has something for you. Just remember, no alien is truly terrifying until it makes you ask, "What in the unholy hell is that?"
The Snark
Official podcast name: "Alchemy... from Effigy Press" (don't forget the ellipsis, folks)
Comments