Teen Angst: The Art of Being Young and Miserable
Ah, adolescence—the magical period when your body is busy growing, but your emotional maturity is stuck somewhere between “I’m invincible” and “I have no idea what I’m doing.” It’s the age where every decision feels like life or death (even choosing a flavor of ice cream), and the universe has decided that your biggest challenge is figuring out how to deal with endless existential crises while maintaining some semblance of a social life. Welcome to the teen experience.
The Rollercoaster of Being a Teenager
In this episode of the Alchemy podcast, Tim and LeeAnna dive headfirst into the tumultuous world of teenagers. But rather than portraying teens as misunderstood philosophers wandering the world in search of deeper meaning (which, let’s face it, they sometimes are), they acknowledge the more chaotic side of adolescence: awkward social media posts, weird fashion trends, and, of course, the ever-looming question of what to do with your life by the age of 18. Spoiler alert: you’re probably not going to figure it out.
Teenagers are like emotional rollercoasters strapped into a speeding car, about to jump off a cliff. One minute, they’re ready to change the world with their bold, rebellious ideas. The next minute, they’re crying in their bedroom because someone commented “you’re so basic” on their TikTok video. Oh, the drama.
Corporal Punishment: Parenting in the Age of Peas
Speaking of melodrama, Tim throws in a politically incorrect (and somewhat concerning) observation about corporal punishment. LeeAnna reveals that she, too, was a victim of this “old school” form of parenting, though she claims she didn’t deserve it—except maybe for the time she refused to eat peas. The indignity! If nothing else, LeeAnna’s rebelliousness in the face of gross, tinned peas is a testament to teenage defiance at its finest. And honestly, we can all relate. At least she didn’t try to get out of eating peas by faking an emotional breakdown. That’s how it works, right? Childhood trauma = adult personality.
Tim, on the other hand, thinks that just the threat of corporal punishment is enough to keep teens in line. Oh, sure, Tim. Let’s just scare them into submission. Maybe that’ll work better than actually, you know, talking to them.
The Dark Side of Stardew Valley: Digital Farming and Virtual Marriages
From peas to pixels, Tim recounts a disturbing tale from his Costa Rican vacation—yes, it’s another story about his “brilliant” brother David. Tim’s brother, an apparent expert in farming simulation games, is addicted to Stardew Valley, a game where you inherit a farm from your deceased grandfather and try to build a successful life while interacting with bizarre digital villagers. Well, if that doesn’t sound like peak 2025 escapism, I don’t know what does.
The real kicker, however, is that in this game, you can marry a digital character—and, like any relationship, it turns out to be way more complicated than expected. Tim’s brother married a character named Leah, a quirky artist, only to discover after marriage that she became as dull as a soggy biscuit. Apparently, “She just sits around and brings me coffee now,” David confesses. Real life, meet video game. The developers, with their delightful sense of humor, add insult to injury by giving players the option to divorce their virtual spouse—if you can go on a lengthy quest to obtain a magical crystal followed by yet another long journey to sacrifice said crystal. Ah, digital drama. Wouldn’t life be simpler if all breakups were handled with a crystal sacrifice? Forget the whole “talking things through” or “therapy” nonsense—just sacrifice a crystal and call it a day.
The War of Teenagers: To Fight or Not to Fight
But it’s not all coffee-fetching virtual wives and peas at the dinner table—oh no. Tim and LeeAnna pivot to the more real stakes of adolescence: military service. LeeAnna reflects on the absurdity that, at 18, you can enlist in the military and fight a war, but you can’t legally drink a beer. Yeah, that makes perfect sense, doesn’t it?
Tim’s idea? Send his daughters off to join the army. It’s all part of his grand parenting plan, apparently. At least that way they can fight a war, but still can’t have a margarita afterward. The priorities, people. But hey, at least Tim’s eldest daughter decided to donate her collection of fake IDs once she turned 21, so she’s got that going for her.
What LeeAnna finds more intriguing, though, is her own childhood—raised by wolves, apparently. That explains a lot, right? LeeAnna’s childhood independence has made her fiercely self-reliant, but let’s be real: it’s also contributed to a bit of emotional aloofness when it comes to relationships. After all, if you don’t let anyone get close, they can’t disappoint you. So much for emotional growth.
Thoughts for Writers: Teenage Characters, With a Side of Tantalus
By now, it should be obvious that teenagers are a ball of contradictions, and writing them can be a complex art. Tim’s advice? Tap into the emotional chaos of adolescence—the vulnerability and defiance, the self-doubt and the need for independence. Write those characters with the frustration they feel, caught between the life they think they want and the life that’s being thrust upon them. Oh, and don’t forget the stakes. Teenage years are huge, full of choices that can shape the future—career, college, relationships, or maybe just deciding which flavor of ice cream to pick (again).
But Tim has even more terrific advice to writers? Dive deep into their backstory. Understand what shaped them, what trauma or weirdly empowering moments brought them to this point of existential dread. Then, explore the frustration of being trapped in a world that demands you have it all figured out by 18. It’s a confusing time when you’re expected to make life-altering decisions with the emotional maturity of a pet hamster.
Ah, the pressure. The wonderful, soul-crushing pressure of being young and full of hope and rage. If you’re not writing this kind of tortured teen character, are you even trying?
So, next time you’re writing a teenager, channel the sheer frustration of Tantalus—always yearning for something just out of reach. Make them long for freedom, independence, and the sweet release of adulthood, even though they don’t know what the hell they’re doing. After all, that’s the beautiful, messy, contradictory journey that is being a teen.
The Snark
Official podcast name: "Alchemy... from Effigy Press" (don't forget the ellipsis, folks)
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