The Chicken Herding Havanese—A “Surprisingly” Inoffensive Start to the Weirdness
Ah, Alchemy—the podcast that somehow, mysteriously, begins with a deep dive into chickens being herded by Maltese dogs. Yes, you read that right. In this episode, Tim and LeeAnna kick things off with a conversation about Havanese dogs and their apparently crucial role in herding chickens. You can’t make this stuff up. LeeAnna casually mentions that these dogs were “killed by Castro” in Cuba, because, apparently, they were too “elite” for his tastes. This takes “weird” to a whole new level. But then, the chaos doesn’t stop there: Tim casually wonders, “Do chickens even need herding?” As if the world needed another existential chicken-related question (um, refer to my blog about the price of eggs – but seriously folks it ain’t right!).
As if this wasn’t bizarre enough, LeeAnna casually mentions that she once owned chickens, and even gave eggs to coworkers as a friendship currency (cue envy). They were “the best eggs” in the world, apparently. I’m sorry, but I thought we were talking about aliens, not poultry politics and egg black markets. But let’s give credit where credit is due: the segue into Tim’s hamster story is probably the most normal part of this conversation.
Hamsters: The Key to Fermi’s Paradox
Now, Alchemy wouldn’t be Alchemy without Tim throwing in a hamster story for no apparent reason. This time, we’re treated to a ridiculous tale involving Tim writing a fake letter from the “Governor of Virginia” to trick his daughter Claire to register her hamster on April 1st because rodents were apparently “chewing on power lines” (sure, let’s go with that). It’s classic Tim—a combination of chaos and sheer absurdity. The town hall officials? Utterly bamboozled by the “official” paperwork. Claire, who took this fake bureaucratic nightmare very seriously, deserves an award for her dedication to this nonsense. Meanwhile, Tim is laughing so hard on the inside that the rest of us wonder if we should be concerned about his moral (or mental) compass.
And then, just when you think it can’t get any weirder, Tim explains it all away as part of his solution to the Fermi Paradox; his "Hamster Theory" (yes, that’s right) is that if the universe is so vast and filled with potential life, why haven’t we encountered any aliens? Tim posits, and not for the first time, that it’s because if they showed up, humanity would react like, well, a hamster—dead of a heart attack in a heartbeat (!) from the sheer existential dread of it all. Classic Alchemy logic: "If you can't solve the Fermi Paradox with science, make it all about hamsters."
Somatotopic Map: Spooky, Weird, and (Apparently) Redhead-Specific
Tim attempts to scare LeeAnna with the ‘somatotopic map’ and the concept of the homunculus, or the physical map of the human body in the brain's sensory cortex. The image, in theory, is supposed to be unsettling because, let’s face it, anything with "distorted human figures" is probably going to make us all a little uneasy. But LeeAnna, sudddenly the self-confessed “red-haired mutant,” casually dismisses Tim’s attempt at brain horror with, “As a redhead, I have different sensations. We’re kind of like mutants, you know?” Sure, LeeAnna, I’ll buy that. Turns out, redheads have higher pain thresholds due to a gene (who knew?). So, let’s just add this to the ever-expanding list of things that make Alchemy a rollercoaster of bizarre facts and new theories that no one ever asked for.
Paracelsus and the Homunculus: Pre-Scientific MADNESS at Its Best
Now things really get interesting, or, should I say, terrifying. Tim takes us on a magical mystery tour through the pre-scientific world, where alchemists—real alchemists—were hell-bent on creating human life (apparently turning base metals into gold was their equivalent of driving for DoorDash in the evenings after work). I’m not talking about birthing babies; I’m talking about creating tiny humans out of sperm, sealed in glass containers. Paracelsus, the 16th-century alchemist, made a name for himself by allegedly concocting a recipe for the homunculus—a tiny, fully-formed human. You know, just casually brewing a human from sperm in a sealed flask for several months. No big deal.
But don’t worry, LeeAnna’s not scared. Instead, she gets stuck on the stinky basement vibes of the whole thing. Apparently, as Tim gleefully recites Paracelsus’ recipe, it involves “putrefaction in horse dung” to “activate” the sperm. It’s a great visual, honestly. The alchemists were so ahead of their time, they didn’t even realize how repulsive their ideas were. At least we have The Fly to thank for giving us a modern take on this bizarre concept.
What’s more unsettling is that Paracelsus didn’t even successfully create a homunculus (shocking, right?). And yet, his alchemical nonsense had a lasting impact on embryology. He’s the reason 17th and 18th-century scientists believed preformationism was a real thing—that babies were already tiny, fully-formed humans inside sperm cells. Again, I say: Alchemy is doing the Lord’s work by bringing all this weird historical nonsense to light. You can’t make this stuff up.
The Uncanny Valley: A Journey Into the Unsettling and the Downright Creepy
At this point in the podcast, we get into the terrifying concept of the uncanny valley. This is where things get real for those of us who are already a little too familiar with creepy, human-like dolls. The uncanny valley describes the discomfort we feel when something looks almost human but isn’t quite right. Think about those horrifying robots that try to mimic human movement but fail miserably. It’s deeply disturbing. LeeAnna, apparently very familiar with this phenomenon, brings up the movie Megan, which features a doll that kills people. Yeah, nothing says “happy thoughts” like a robot that slaughters people and is somehow still more relatable than your average office coworker.
Tim finishes off the discussion by suggesting that if you’re a writer, you could use this uncanny valley concept to add a layer of psychological unease to your creations. Imagine a character who creates something, but it’s almost human... and then watch as it goes wrong. It’s basically Frankenstein, but with more robots, fewer castles, and way more existential dread.
The Cinema Effect: A Whole New Level of Self-Reflection (And Not in a Good Way)
And if that wasn’t enough of a rabbit hole, Tim takes us down the Cartesian Theatre, a concept where your brain is essentially a movie theater, and you’re the star, but with one catch: there’s a tiny person inside your brain watching your life like it’s a film. This leads us to the horrifying realization that your sense of reality is not really your own—it’s just some tiny, invisible man, interpreting everything you experience. Don’t you love how deeply disturbing Alchemy can be in the most bizarrely cerebral ways?
The concept of a homunculus within a homunculus seems to mirror the absurd logic behind Paracelsus’ sperm theory. It’s all recursive nonsense that makes you question everything—until you’re ready to curl into a ball and hide from the weirdness beneath your skin.
A Parting Thought: Embrace the Weird, You Might Just Find Something Beautiful
As Tim and LeeAnna wrap up the episode, they encourage writers to explore the grotesque, the weird, and the nearly-human. The homunculus, the uncanny valley, and all the bizarre alchemical nonsense are just a few of the tools writers can use to make their characters—and their stories—unsettling and fascinating. The world is strange, and as Shakespeare’s Hamlet wisely says, "There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy."
So, embrace the weirdness, the uncomfortable, and the chaotic—it might just lead you to something creatively beautiful. And if it doesn’t? Well, at least you’ll have a killer story. I mean, it’s a lot. We go to places where reality, science, and horror collide in the weirdest ways possible. You won’t get this kind of weird anywhere else. Trust me and thank God.
The Snark
Official podcast name: "Alchemy... from Effigy Press" (don't forget the ellipsis, folks)
Comments